


What am I going to do with the things that replaced me

by BillyBonesHisFancy



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 5x08, Bipolar Disorder, Confusioned state of thought, Flashbacks, Gen, Ian's POV, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sedated Ian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 18:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8295374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BillyBonesHisFancy/pseuds/BillyBonesHisFancy
Summary: “All right shithead, this is like the two hundredth time I’m calling and you’re not picking up, I’m starting to get fucking homicidal.” The voice is choked at the last word, like fear has taken over it, for only a second. “Call me the fuck back, Ian. I’m worried about you.” Pause. “I love you. Call me back.”

 
Ian comes back home after 72 hours of hospitalization and listens to his voicemail. Or, the missing moments leading up to Ian calling Mickey in 5x08.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to thank lanjev and natwallaby for being my betas and helping me with this and being nice fucking friends in general. I totally owe you one. <3

His feet are cold under the blanket. He feels numb.

Sleep glides from his eyelids like a piece of paper, and the confused memories of the car trip with Yevgeny hit him like intermittent spurts of cold water in his face. The diapers in the store. That nice old lady. The guy in the green jeep and the white shirt and his warm semen in his mouth. The spy woman. Then the army. No, the cops. No, the demons. Yes, they were demons. He remembers turning back while he was running and seeing it, their red skin, their horns, their teeth, their veins, chasing him to get Yevgeny. _Get away! Get away! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry._

Mickey would have never forgiven him if he had let them take Yev away. Mickey will never forgive him.

He throws himself on the phone to tell Mickey that they took Yev, that they have to go save him, that they have to take the car and go to their base and take all the ammo they can and take all of Mickey’s brothers they have to go save him and they have to go now nownowNOW-

The thoughts disappear as quickly as they presented themselves, like a light earthquake that leaves the bookshelves and the television trembling. He touches the robe on his back where it itches, the blankets pressing down, he gazes at military posters. Haze falls on his mind again.

He has nineteen missed calls and five messages left on his voicemail.

_“Ian, what the fuck?! Please, call me back. Right now. Let’s- let’s just talk, all right?”_

Delete.

_“FYI, if you wanted to convince me you ain’t crazy, taking off with Yevgeny in my car wasn’t the smartest fucking plan. Way to fucking go, man.”_

Delete.

He only realizes he’s missed Mickey’s voice because of a burn near his chest when the message starts. He listens to it two times more, and the third time the burn starts to feel a little like guilt. Mickey sounds upset. Like when he shoved him against the wall. _Either way you’re going to a hospital._

His thoughts start racing again. _You cannot trust anyone. You have to leave or they’ll send you back to the Army. They’ll put you onto the electric chair. They called Mickey and told him everything you did. You really lost him this time._

He had lost him. When he started the car and ran, Yevgeny watched him cry, with his startled blue eyes. Ian dried his tears and grabbed the steering wheel, knowing that Yevgeny’s father was watching him through those eyes.

_“…Ian, look: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have threatened you like that. I was upset, I mean – you did a porno with no protection and- why would you be that fucking- but I didn’t want to scare you. I’m not mad, okay? Just- can you please come back so we can sit down and make- fucking peace or whatever?”_

He likes that small spot of pain inside him. The anguish is hidden behind a white veil which he can’t move, but it’s better than the nothingness of the sedatives. The car trip; the police station, the sleepless nights in the hospital; they all seem like distant events which don’t concern him at all. Even Mickey’s messages seem addressed to someone else.

_I might not be me anymore._

He hears movement from the outside of the room, and instinctively hides the cellphone under the covers, leans back and closes his eyes. Pretends like he doesn’t exist. He takes a deep breath, and feels Debbie’s eyes on him. He’d like to rip them out of his skin, but stays down. She doesn’t talk nor move much, and Ian wonders why she’s taking so long. Eventually, after a minute or so, he hears the door gently closing. He opens his eyes and feels the silence sting. _Why have you all abandoned me?_

_“Hey man, it’s Lip. …Just wanna know where you are, and… if you’re okay.”_ Pause. _“Right. Call me back.”_

Lip does sound like Lip, and that’s all Ian’s mind can convey right now.

He rubs his face like he has to, to make sure it’s still there. There’s a buzzing in one side of his body, and he turns around, leaning on the opposite side, and plays the last message, feeling an unpleasant tingling in his fingers. He’s reminded of school tests, the pen trembling in his hand. He’s not sure he even remembers how to feel.

_“All right shithead, this is like the two hundredth time I’m calling and you’re not picking up, I’m starting to get fucking homicidal.”_ The voice is choked at the last word, like fear has taken over it, for only a second. _“Call me the fuck back, Ian. I’m worried about you.”_ Pause. _“I love you. Call me back.”_

Ian doesn’t think he heard right, and he has forgotten the beginning of the message already. He’s like a goldfish. He plays it again.

_“…I’m worried about you.”_ Ian glues the cellphone to his ear. _“I love you. Call me back.”_

Again.

_“I love you. Call me back.”_

Again.

_“I love you. Call me back.”_

Ian hears a distant sound of a building crashing down. Probably construction working a couple of blocks away. He plays the message until he knows he will hear it every time he sleeps, every time he wakes up, every time he breathes. He wants to be nauseated by it, he wants it to fill the chasm in his chest. He waits. And waits. And it doesn’t.

He presses his lips together, bites them, trying to identify the foggy mess inside him. Bites and bites. Ian had always loved Mickey and now Mickey loved Ian back. They could be happy. They could. And yet he feels replaced. Someone replaced him. The meds have replaced him. _Are you still going to love me, Mickey? Are you still going to love this lifeless guy the meds have made me?_

_Could you?_

His fingers move slowly when they dial Mickey’s number, as if the reality of it could disappear if Ian showed he cared too much, and he waits and waits and waits and repeats the words he has to say in his mind.

_I’m sorry for everything, Mick._   _I’m sorry that I’m not the same Ian you love anymore. But I love you, too ._

He waits and waits and waits.

_But I… I love you, too._

He waits and waits and waits.

_But I…_

 

Mickey doesn’t pick up.

 

_Could he?_

 

Ian lays very still until he realizes he has his answer.

  
He gets up, goes down the stairs, drinks some orange juice. Looks down at the table. Here they are. He empties the small containers and quietly walks into the bathroom, the pills in his palms. Flushes them all down the toilet. Flushes them all away.

 

_But I love you too, Mick._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys! Welcome to my first Shameless fanfic. I've been aching to write Ian's POV of 5x08 since someone sent me an ask on tumblr regarding the moment Ian called Mickey. I wondered what would have Ian said, and if that would have had anything to do with the voice messages Mickey sent him when he took off with Yev - since that moment was probably the first chance he had to listen to them. So my main goals for this story were:
> 
> \- To find a hidden explanation as to why Ian flushed all his pills
> 
> \- To explore Ian's confused and conflicted mind
> 
> \- To address Mickey's first "I love you", which was a big fucking deal for all of us.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and I would be the happiest italian person in the world if you decided to leave me some comments. It means a lot to me. See you around!


End file.
